If you're not safe, or you're thinking about hurting yourself, please reach a person now. In the US, call or text 988. If someone is hurting you or threatening to, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Right now: look after your body
- Eat something small and drink water, even if you're not hungry. Shock makes it easy to forget.
- Try to sleep, or at least lie down in the dark. Decisions made at 3 a.m. after no sleep are rarely the ones you'd make rested.
- Tell one safe person. A friend, a sibling, a counselor. You don't have to tell everyone, and you shouldn't have to carry this alone.
- It's not your fault. Your body, your looks, how often you've been intimate: none of these made someone lie to you.
You don't have to decide anything permanent yet
Stay or leave, forgive or not: these are real questions, but they don't have to be answered this week. It's fine to say "I need time, and I'll tell you what I need."
What you can reasonably ask for now is honesty. Many partners say the drip of small confessions over months, sometimes called trickle truth, hurt more than the first discovery. Asking for the whole truth in one conversation, ideally with a counselor present, is reasonable.
Before you move out, get advice
In some places, leaving the family home can affect custody or property later. If you're thinking of moving out or asking your partner to, a short consultation with a family lawyer in your area is worth it first. Many offer a free or low-cost first call.
Your health
If there's any chance of physical contact with someone else, it's sensible to get tested for sexually transmitted infections. Your doctor or a local sexual health clinic can do this confidentially, and you don't have to explain why.
Money
- Look calmly at shared accounts and credit card statements. Hidden spending is common, and it's better to know.
- Make sure you can log in to your own accounts and that you have some money you can reach on your own.
- Don't empty shared accounts in anger. It can work against you later.
If you have children
- Keep their routines as normal as you can: meals, school, bedtime.
- They don't need the details. If they notice you're upset, something simple and true is enough: "Mom and Dad are working through something hard, and you're safe."
- Try not to argue in front of them, even quietly.
What you found
If you discovered messages, charges or files, it can help to save copies privately in case you need them later, for a counselor, or a lawyer. You don't need to go looking for more right now; searching through the night tends to make the hurt worse, not the picture clearer.
Finding help that understands this
- A counselor who works with betrayal. Look for someone trained in betrayal trauma, or a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) for your partner. A general counselor who says "it's just porn" isn't the right fit.
- A group of people who've been here. Partner support groups, online or in person, can make you feel far less alone.
- Your own care first. Your partner's recovery is their work. Yours is getting through this whole.
Later: what safety can look like
Over time, many couples decide on some form of accountability, where the person who struggled chooses to be transparent instead of the partner having to search. That's what we're building Steadpact for: a calm summary at a time you choose, instead of checking their phone at midnight. It isn't ready yet. If you'd like to hear when it is, leave your email below.
This guide is general information, not legal, medical or therapeutic advice. Laws differ by state and country.